


Bittersweet Contemplations

by ActuallyRandomPerson



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Gen, Introspection, Kinda, Light Angst, Post Dealing With Intrusive Thoughts, Virgil deserves All The Love, but like, idrk what to tag this really, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-28
Updated: 2019-07-28
Packaged: 2020-07-23 11:16:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,633
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20007412
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ActuallyRandomPerson/pseuds/ActuallyRandomPerson
Summary: Virgil takes some time to think over his relationships with the other sides after revealing his past to Thomas.





	Bittersweet Contemplations

**Author's Note:**

> Hey y'all, im not _completely_ happy with this, but Good Omens has recently consumed my life so I'm probably not going to work on improving/finishing/fixing this any time soon. As such, I'm just uploading as is, with a rough ending so it feels complete. If you have a better idea for the title/any tag suggestions, don't be afraid to let me know in a comment as I s t r u g g l e with naming my works. 😄

“Because I was one of them.”

With those words still ringing in Thomas’ mind, Virgil sunk back down into the mindscape. He barely even stayed long enough to send a tight smile and half-shrug in Thomas’ direction, long enough to register the look of confusion in Thomas’ eyes.

Honestly, he didn’t know why Thomas was surprised. Deceit had made it obvious that they had _some_ sort of history, and Remus had even outright stated that seeing him again was ‘ _just like old times’_. He was more shocked that Thomas hadn’t put the pieces together himself.

Hell, they’d even clarified to Thomas that the so-called ‘dark sides’ were only placed in that category due to Thomas’ internal moral code, beliefs about what aspects of himself were ‘good’ and ‘bad’, what aspects _mattered_. And while the two years since his official transition from being ‘dark’ had been amazing, Virgil would never forget the _years_ he spent as an outsider, scorned by his host and the three sides he admired more than anything while only finding acceptance in those he himself disliked. All those years of self-hatred and insecurity, just because as Thomas had decided Virgil didn’t belong. Decided to suppress his growing anxious feelings, dismissing them as simple paranoia without giving them any more consideration. _Of course_ Virgil had initially ended up as dark. Where else could he have fit?

Virgil didn’t resent Thomas for treating him the way he had for years. Nor did he resent Patton, Logan, or Roman for going along with it. How could he? It’s not _their_ fault they didn’t understand him properly, didn’t _see_ him properly. In their eyes, he’d only ever hurt Thomas, and as such they reacted accordingly.

Roman had always wanted Thomas to be an actor, built up grand dreams of performing in front of millions, loved by all and free to be exactly who he wanted with no real consequences. To him, Virgil was the most immediate barrier to that dream being achieved. How could one be an amazing performer if stage freight crept in every time they stood side stage, if every bump in the road and bad audition led to growing feelings of failure and self-doubt? No, it seemed clear to him. Virgil was the first obstacle Thomas needed to overcome in his road to stardom, and all in all the path would be much smoother if the other side just disappeared completely.

Patton had simply wanted Thomas to be happy, and he initially just saw the _pain_ Virgil caused. Semi-constant worry wasn’t exactly conducive to good mental health, after all, and Virgil had been a tad… _heavy-handed_ in his tactics initially. From Patton’s perspective, Virgil was causing unnecessary stress to Thomas, and he needed to at least _tone down_ his actions, preferably to just things that ‘really mattered’. And maybe the occasional Demogorgon-in-the-closet or potential spider. Either way, Patton had seen Virgil’s role (and consequently Virgil himself) as unnecessary and needlessly damaging to Thomas, and therefore problematic.

Logan had actually gotten along with him the most out of the ‘good’ sides, but that wasn’t exactly saying much. Sure, Logan had at least _understood_ why anxiety was necessary, why **Virgil** was necessary. But he still couldn’t see completely eye to eye with the dark side, due to the sheer illogicality involved in so many of Virgil’s fears. Yes, double-checking that the car door had locked _once_ made sense, but continuing to feel concern beyond that point was just useless and detrimental to Thomas’ productivity. And often Virgil would needlessly keep Thomas awake at night, setting his whole schedule back and risking long term health issues. Yes, Logan hadn’t actively hated or resented him before he started showing up in videos, started being accepted. However, that didn’t mean he’d really _liked_ him, either.

Thomas just hadn’t understood his internal feelings of worry, and his own confusion with Virgil’s necessity in his life combined with the others’ growing feelings of dislike had left him attempting to suppress the young side, in much the same way that he’d successfully suppressed Deceit and Remus. But it hadn’t worked as well, as while Deceit and Remus could effectively pull strings while hidden from Thomas’ view, Virgil needed to act closer to the surface. Anxiety wasn’t exactly an aspect of yourself you could hide, after all. It bubbled just under your skin, spun a constant monologue of potential dangers in the back of your mind, came up further and further with every nervous twitch and bitten fingernail. So while Thomas (with Deceit’s influence) had successfully convinced himself that he was completely honest, had never had thoughts of violence, he was much less successful at avoiding Virgil’s presence.

Things had improved immensely since those times, even had before he’d officially ‘switched sides’. Roman had started noticing all the _good_ things Virgil contributed to Thomas’ performances, and his semi-constant stream of insults in the two most recent years had felt more teasing than genuinely malicious. Patton had been accepting towards the other side since before he even officially transitioned, and had been recently trying to respect his boundaries more in terms of cutesy and vaguely patronising nicknames. Logan had realised that while certain fears and worries were probably unfounded, Virgil was always doing his best to keep Thomas in the middle of the Yerkes-Dodson curve. And with their acceptance, Thomas had begun to understand where these fears came from, which ones he should pay attention to and which ones he could point out as needless to Virgil.

It hadn’t been until Deceit had shown up that Virgil had become concerned. He hadn’t seen _any_ of the ‘dark’ sides since being fully accepted into Thomas’ mindscape, so Virgil was half sure the appearance had been mostly to taunt him. Virgil, unlike the rest of the dark sides, had usually done his best to follow Thomas’ internal moral code. As such, he’d never _truly_ belonged with them, especially since they were keen to put Thomas ahead of everything and everyone else, despite any potential consequences. So Deceit appearing so suddenly had thrown him for a loop, and he spent the entire time Deceit was around half terrified that his secret would be revealed to Thomas. And then Deceit had kept on coming back, and Roman seemed more and more inclined to align with the dark side with his every appearance, and seemed increasingly off whenever Virgil interacted with him…

It wasn’t until today, when Remus appeared, that the reason for Roman seeming _different_ became clear. Until that point, Virgil had been worried that Deceit had been whispering to him behind the scenes, swaying him to being increasingly self-centred and valuing Patton’s ideals less and less. For all Virgil knew, that had _also_ been happening, but Roman always got a little strange when Remus was coming closer to the surface. It had something to do with Remus’ influence colliding with his, the unknowing wrestle for control leaving him quieter and less boisterous than usual. All Virgil could do at this point was hope that that was where it ended, that Roman wasn’t _also_ having to resist the alluring draw of Deceit and the other dark sides’ respective influences.

His current clarity about what was going on with Roman didn’t exactly change that Virgil was still fairly concerned about how Thomas would react to his revelation, once he’d finished processing it. Virgil had been contemplating revealing the information to Thomas since Deceit had first shown himself, scared that the other side would take the choice out of his hands and reveal it to Thomas on his own whim. He’d come fairly close to doing so with every video they’d filmed, but hadn’t been able to muster up the courage to do so. But when Remus had appeared, Virgil had become certain that every day he avoided telling Thomas of his past status was another day closer to the point where Deceit would reveal the truth for him, as part of a twisted scheme to drive Thomas further from the 4 main sides’ influences.

So when Thomas had asked why Virgil was so upset at his inability to deal with Remus and Deceit, why he felt he should be held to a different standard than Roman, Patton, and Logan, Virgil knew it was time. And now Thomas _knew_. He hadn’t really reacted to the revelation while on camera, Virgil knew, but that wasn’t much of a shock. It would probably take his host a little while to fully think through his words, the full meaning and implications of what Virgil being an ex-dark side meant. And while Thomas processed Virgil’s confession, Virgil himself was processing.

He was seated on the coffee table in the middle of his room, with his knees tucked into his chest and his head resting in the crook of his arms. He knew that he would need to leave his room _eventually_ , especially since the other main sides were undoubtedly worried about him, but for now he just needed to think. Telling Thomas had definitely lifted a weight he hadn’t fully realised existed, but it had been replaced with an underlying feeling of worry that grew with every minute that passed. Honestly, the lack of reaction from Thomas was probably a _good_ thing, an indication that Virgil wasn’t going to be exiled for something that had been completely out of his control. But no clear reaction meant that Virgil couldn’t be completely sure that Thomas was ok with it, and as such he’d almost prefer an outburst or clear rejection. After all, then he’d know where he stood.

Right now though, he didn’t have that clear answer, rejection or acceptance or whatever else it may be. So all he could do was sit, sit and hope that everything would still be ok.

**Author's Note:**

> So, that was that! If you enjoyed please let me know as I crave validation. Also, this is only really roughly edited by me (and word's spell check and grammarly), so if you spotted any mistakes please point them out so I can fix them 😄


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